Comms Tip Bank
Will-be 365 tips to communicate more effectively. The countdown:
#355: Tell me again, like I am five years old
Here’s a trick. To ensure you are understanding as intended, ask the person speaking to explain it to you again as if you are a five-year-old. The point is simplification. This ensures listeners extract the right points or get the gist of it (the main idea). This effort breaks down a complex thought into (truly) elementary language. As a bonus - this practice helps both the speaker and the listener deepen their understanding.
Example: How an expert might speak
Consuming a nutritionally balanced diet is paramount for optimal physiological function and disease prevention.
Example - Translated for a five-year-old
Eating healthy is important because it helps our bodies stay strong and feel good.
#356: Watch Your Tone
“You watch your tone, young man.”
Sound familiar?
Tone of voice is important in topic because, whether you like it or not, it conveys meaning. Perhaps even intention. Tone sets an emotional baseline, whether you mean it to or not. I know this because my hubs and I actually listened to our marriage therapist, and things improved! The advice? It really was, “Watch your tone”.
Depending on how sensitive your audience is, tone can affect how people perceive you, how they interpret your message, and the big one for me, how willing they are to listen. When someone uses a negative tone with me, all the defenses go up in an instant. And all those walls? They make it really hard to hear what you are intending to communicate. So what happens next after the walls are up? I promise my response will be off-base, defensive, and derail any progress we were making.
To recap, tone impacts:
How you are perceived
How your message is interpreted
How others respond
Some people are more sensitive to sound than others. But sensitivity to sound isn’t something we spill tea over at work. It’s a thing, trust me. I don’t know if it’s because I am a musician and can sing. Maybe my ear is more developed? But I just cannot tolerate the actual human if their voice rubs me wrong. I will not be able to get past their voice hear what they are saying. I will never get to know who they really are. Never mind having a constructive relationship with them at work. And I am not alone in this. Or at least, I don’t think I am.
Tone of voice is a game changer when it comes to workplace communication. Think about it: tone includes things like pitch, volume, speed, and even how we emphasize certain words. When people speak annoyingly slow (uh-hem, west coast) or annoyingly fast (uh-hem, east coast). Getting a handle on your tone can be the difference in winning a piece of business, overcoming a conflict or making friends. Remember that conversation we had on our podcast about Emotional Intelligence? (Episodes 1 and 2 - Agency After Hours - anywhere you get your podcasts!) You're more likely to connect and affect when you use a warm (human-to-human) tone. Don’t even get me started on patronizing tones. Oh, bless your heart.
So, how can you improve your tone of voice? Start by becoming aware of how you sound. (This is the ticket that gets my hubs sleeping in the guest room - zero tone awareness.) Active listening is also key. Pay attention to how others respond to you. Practice using “the tone you intend.” For example, sometimes, when I am really tired, I know I sound unhappy. But really, I just need a nap.
It's so hard, but you can learn to use specific tones intentionally with a little practice.
#357: Be Honest
I often say that intention comes before honesty because motivation matters.
Are we giving enough weight to Intention?
We are, after all, fallible human beings by nature.
Motivations behind honesty are complex. For instance, if someone tells the truth primarily out of self-interest (e.g., avoiding punishment), this does not align with a virtuous form of honesty. It's fair to say that one must be virtuous and honest. And if that is true, then don’t we need to be honest to be virtuous? YES is the answer.
Have you listened to our Podcast [Agency After Hours] on emotional intelligence? Honest behavior is influenced by emotional intelligence and the ability to empathize with others' feelings.
Honesty = moral correctness, honorableness, integrity. Honesty can be challenging due to a combination of psychological, social, and situational factors like Psychological barriers and Fear of consequences: protect yourself from negative outcomes
Vulnerability: Gulp. Honesty requires a level of vulnerability that many (most?!) find uncomfortable.
Social Dynamics and Acceptance: Everyone wants to BELONG. We are motivated by the desire for social acceptance. [I am so grossly aware of this psychological and emotional tug - it ruled my misery for several years!] If we say the wrong or unpopular thing, will we be cast out or othered?
Fear of Being Judged is also a powerful motivation.
So, yeah, being honest is hard. It’s probably in the top five reasons why relationships succeed or fail, yet… I almost want to say… yikes…honesty doesn’t come naturally to most people.
Is there such a thing as being too honest?
At my house, we have the opposite problem; we are not short on honesty. I do not feel as safe at work as I do at home. At home, we are honest to the point that we can be cruel to each other. I believe the phrase is “brutally honest.” I’ve come to the conclusion that I am not, and we are not, as emotionally intelligent as one would wish. It’s a stretch; we’re working on it. The thing is - I really don’t appreciate manipulation. The whole kick/kiss or the slap/hug thing. Rather than manipulate, I would like to trust the listener to take the raw feedback. Just like I trust myself to hear it.
How can we learn to trust each other better?
It begins with honesty.
#358: Be Direct
Being direct seems to be getting a bad rap lately. There is a difference between being direct and being cruel. Being direct means, being honest and open and saying what you mean without worrying about what others think. It does not mean you do not care about how they feel.
See the difference?
Depending on where you live/work in the country or in the world, how this comms style is used and perceived is WILDLY different. Example: I have bounced between Boston and Seattle for most of my adult life. I can tell you that what Bostonians receive as normal, Seattlites receive as (at minimum) Direct, and (at worst) Rude. Most people immediately assume then that Boston has some comms work to do. That the rude Bostonian is at fault for the breakdown in comms. Sorry, Charlie. It takes two to tango. Why does one assume that softer, gentler communication is better? IMHO - it’s not. And I’m not humble either.
When you avoid being direct, you increase the chance that you will not be understood. And worse, when you are not honest and open, you lose trust. Each half truth, intended to protect ones feelings, is one more clue that you cannot be trusted. For me, this is much worse than hurting someone’s feelings. A breakdown in trust destroys personal relationships and business culture.
Meeting somewhere in the middle, let’s all practice: DIRECT EMPATHY.
Direct: Messages are communicated clearly without ambiguity, ensuring understanding.
Empathy: There is an underlying sensitivity to how words may affect others.
This might make you laugh or feel silly the first time you try it; but if you are struggling to find the middle ground between direct and empathetic. Start your conversation with “My intention is …”.
Works every time.
#359: Listen before you speak.
You guys, I struggle with this one so hard! This tip is a new take on the old adage “Think before you speak.” Consider instead, “Listen before you speak.” My household is chock full of ADHD. No one - can ever - get their entire thought out. One will be interrupted - it’s just a matter of when. On our family vacation in July, I witnessed the impact of our incessant verbal interference (bad manners) on my adult children’s partners. Something about these fresh faces joining our crew made the insanity of how we communicate painfully clear. No One Really Listens. Every one of us is rude.
While I cannot teach my own children any better, I decided I could at least change my own behavior and lead by example. Obv WIP. But at least I try. Here’s what I’ve been doing: Leaving Space. And asking for Space.
Leaving space = When someone is talking, and they pause or seem to have concluded their thought. I force myself to Pause. Wait before jumping in and see if they have something else to add on. It should come as no surprise that based on this one act of pausing - I have learned So. Much. More. of what people have to teach me. It’s a freaking game-changer!
Asking for space = I haven’t mastered this either, but it’s a fascinating time trying. Being from Boston, being a woman, and being in the aforementioned ADHD-ridden family, I have never known anything but being interrupted. So what a novel idea to ask to be heard. I was on a leadership call with my friend and colleague @HilaryLaney recently when she was interrupted before finishing her thought, and she immediately pushed back, saying something like, “I’m not finished speaking; please allow me to finish my thought”. It was such a boss move and something we can all take a queue from. Newsflash - you deserve the same respect you give others.
Final thought - please assume that people do not mean to interrupt. IMHO, 90% of the time, interruption is not malice, it’s habit. Sometimes, ironically, they are interrupting because you’ve got them so excited - so impassioned on the topic! Remember that because intention is so critical, and negative assumptions impact your tone.
#360: Embrace conflict.
This topic has come up more in the past 30 days than in the past 30 months. Why are we, as a society, capable of such cruelty online and so avoidant of healthy conflict in person?
We need conflict because conflict leads to progress (more on that in another blog). Like most people, I used to avoid conflict. My need to be everyone’s friend outweighed my need for personal growth. Not sure when it changed exactly, but I suspect it was right around the time I developed confidence. Let me explain.
You have to trust yourself to be able to (a) address the issue face to face, (2) trust yourself to have the right behavior (actions, language) when things don’t go as you had hoped, and (3) be emotionally a.o.k. no matter what the outcome. That last bit is, in my opinion, the number one reason people do not tackle conflict head-on. They are AFRAID. Not of what the “opposing” person will say or do, but rather their own fear of having to “feel their feelings”.
You don’t have to have a specific outcome for healthy conflict resolution; you simply have to trust yourself. Hold confidence that you will be able to manage your own feelings and do yourself proud.
#361: Do not assume understanding. Ask.
This one will help you at work, but could very well save your marriage too.
When trying to communicate a complex topic, or when you feel you are not being clear, or when you think that your peers are not picking up what you are laying down, JUST. ASK. THEM. Too often, two people walk away from a conversation having completely different ideas of what was actually intended to be communicated.
Script starters:
THE BOSS: “I want to make sure you understand that how I intended, talk me through what you heard” or “...talk me through your next steps.”
THE COLLEAGUE: “Are you picking up what I am putting down? What did you just hear?” or the most direct, “I need to know that made sense to you. What do you think I just said?” or “Are we aligned? What did you hear?"
And just because we're cheeky, THE MARRIAGE: “I want to make sure what I just said is heard over the story you are writing in your head right now - what do you think I am trying to communicate?”
This might feel awkward the first time, but we promise you will thank us later. It’s a game changer. You and the person/people you are speaking with both/all GET SMARTER and BOND BETTER.
#362: Exercise radical listening.
Habits reign here. Radical Listening could become your new normal.
How? Force yourself to be present. Check in with what is happening inside your head. When you do this in real time, you will likely catch yourself working up a response, unfortunately, while someone else is speaking.
While someone else is trying to be heard, we have the habit of readying ourselves to speak. Shut that shit down.
Choose LISTENING.
Your internal mental dialogue can be shut down in a fraction of a second.
1. Be Present, Actively Listening
2. THEN think about if/how you want to respond
In that order.
If you catch a voice in your head, when you should be attentive to the human in front of you, just acknowledge it and refocus on the person speaking. Again, its a fraction of a second. This is how you practice active listening.
Listening (and consequently, learning) can become your new habit, one radical listening effort at a time.
#363: Be Kind
Once upon a time, one wanted to appear stoic or even rude in order to be perceived as smart. Because, how could one be happy if one understood the problems in the world? Kindness, or God-forbid expression of joyfulness, surely meant you were “dumb as a post” or “not the sharpest knife in the drawer”. Joy was the enemy of perception if one wanted to appear smart.
Just stop. It’s well past time to let that go. We seek out talent that is both exceedingly competent - and - exceptionally kind because it's not enough to be smart. Remember that podcast we did on emotional intelligence? [Agency After Hours, listen anywhere you get your podcasts]. Angel put it best, “We need emotional intelligence more in this smart machine age than ever before.” Be kind to each other, please.
#364: Be curious. Ask questions. Seek to learn. In every interaction.
That’s it. Really simple. Curiosity cures conflict.
#365: Provide context for your meeting
When you own a meeting and start that meeting, give everyone joining/attending the context - the reason for the meeting. The Why. Repeat that even if you think they know!
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Stay tuned for more tips!
Got a tip you want to share please DM or comment on social or email getsmart@thestrategyschool.com
